Black Beauty (short story)

Tonight was the night! 
No dulling it. I wouldn't miss it for the world...because even the world would be watching anyways. I always got dramatic when those Barca boys had a match to play as it was never a moment to miss. I dashed off to Haruna's where I was sure a crowd would be watching the Finals with a company of bottles amidst pointless shouts and rants. Haruna's shop wasn't only the best for barbing but a meeting point for conc. soccer fanatics cum area boys which was my motivation this particular night. The arguments were always fun when only the mouths were talking and not bottles on heads.

In 15 minutes I was there but...Damn! All seats taken. Nonsense!

Aha!...Lightbulb...That lovely revolving chair in front of the small TV was my only craving. It never happens just like that and it was the best spot if I wanted to enjoy the game.

I walked in through the sliding glass door and hailed my goons in their Barca regalia. I was thrilled by the hearty cheers in response but that didn't earn me the seat anyways. 

I immediately beckoned to Haruna for a haircut which in no time got me sitting not just in the comfy furniture but directly in front of the blessing called a TV. I had been grooming my Afro for months now and a trim wouldn't hurt at least to get me the hot-seat for the next 60 mins left in the game.

"ZZZWOOOOOOMMMMMM..." the hum of his blade began. 

Both eyes glued on the TV as we watched Messi our striker dazzle the opponents mercilessly with graceful step-overs. He feinted as if to pass the ball to the left…BUT! …Oh my! In a flash, Marvelous Messi brought it back with his instep to the right, the opponent sliding away in a disgraceful manner on thick grass.

“ZZZWOOOOOOMMMMM…” the blade hummed aimlessly above my head as Haruna was lost in amazement.

We all burst out in applause and the moment of truth came as Messi pulled off an impossible shot in front of the goal. It sailed past the 1st defender…2nd…3rd…and the goalkeeper…and….

“ZZWEEUM!” Haruna ripped off a large chunk of my hair. 

GOOOALLLLLL! The whole barber shop was in uproar.

I screamed my epiglottis out! But their shout of victory drowned my shout of despair.

Months of Afro grooming gone in seconds!

I looked furiously at Haruna screaming. The idiot screamed back joyfully giving me a bear hug.

I was mad! I sat back in to the chair and broke into tears...my beauty was gone and the goal was no help in consoling me. Abi dis boy dey mad? I thought within me.

Then the idiot dug deeper!...reaching the desert layer. You would have called it an 'inverse mohawk'.

In a flash I jumped up and by now he could feel the fire in my eyes.

Making up my mind on the component to displace with punches on his tribal-marked face, he then asked the most ridiculous question ever...

"Oga whish hairstyle, Lowcut or Gorimapa?"

I fainted.

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Black Beauty

Oh the bliss...
Oh the splendour...
what exhilarating joy,
for my new found love.
She's tall and tender, silky and soft,
though criticized for her many evils,
to me, she's nothing but a black beauty.

My former love was okay too,
short, hard and tough, yet shiny and humble,
I spoke of  my new ebony to all my friends,
shrugging and hissing, they ignored my rants,
all falling to the fierceness of the barbers' blade,
ripping off their black strands of grace,
But No! I shall object!
no such cruelty...to my black beauty.

So I ran off to the place of temptation,
me and my beauty awaiting our fate at the mirror...
Then...the punisher arrived!
wielding his magic evil blade,
"A trim", I mumbled amidst the hums of his contraption,
Softly patting my beauty, I grumbled with jealousy,
I relaxed with ease, trusting his expertise,
he spoke of his many escapades,
this indeed was the 'Lord of the Scalps'.

Feeling comfy, I drifted asleep,
hoping to wake up to my trimmed beauty,
she begged me to stay by her,
as he performed his sterile ritual,
but I assured her all was well.

Then the sound of the blade began,
inciting the beggining of our bliss,
Then he dug deep, ripping off a sufficient mass of hair,
you would have called it an 'inverse mohawk',
I screamed my epiglottis out!
no wonder the vulture hates the barber...
Then he dug deeper!...reaching the desert layer,
I broke into tears...my beauty was gone,
gone with the blade, what will my friends say?
Then he asked the most ridiculous question ever...
"Oga whish hairstyle, Lowcut or Gorimapa?"
I fainted.

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Mikey-leaks

News reaching us from our quarters has confirmed a latest release in the series of diplomatic cables suspected to have been sent via an undisclosed source @ moi frequency. Shocking facts were released and we'll like you to have a peak in to the latest of findings.  ENJOY!


(A lil conversation)(CONFIDENTIAL!!!)
My conscience: dude you really don't have to do this!

Me: what? I just want to tell them something about Val's day.

Conscience: dude..seriously its like almost 12 midnight,whats the point?

Me: just a message now, ill try to make it sound nice though not too mushy

Conscience: you really have to do this shey? you're so stubborn...wait is this all for the likes?

Me: C'mon, though they'll like it, that's not the aim.

Conscience: You're stubborn you know?

Me: Whatever man, so I'm saying it o...very soon.

Conscience: On a second thought, what if they don't like it, or someone even installs an app that hates comments. And they hate it?

Me: Oh boy eh! hmm...Omo I'm not risking telling them Happy Valentine's Day...Lai Lai! Its a cliche already.

Conscience: My point exactly!

Me: Well I'm sure they know I love them so much and will never stop writing for them. Never!

Conscience: You dare not!

Me: Well I'll just paste our conversation on the blog.

Conscience: DUDE! SERIOUSLY! what did you just say?

Me: (whistling Barney's 'I love you' song)
(off to dreamland!)

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Santa Akpos...Christmas Speciale!

Santa Akpos!

Santa Jand: Hey we running outa schedule, gotta have all the gifts delivered by tonight.
Apparently 4 of the reindeers are still missing for no good reason. (deep laugh)Ho ho ho ho. Santa Claus likes prompt delivery. Ho ho ho ho

Santa Akpos: This one never hala. E be like sey you neva know as e dey go for my zones.

Santa Jand: Hey watchu mean homie? Ho ho ho ho.

(Beep Beep)

Santa Akpos: First of all stop that your nonsense laugh.

Santa Jand: Ok but you know no one frowns here, its againt the Santa code of conduct and whats with that beeping sound.

(beep beep)

Santa Akpos: Omo guy, this year I no wan fall Bros Claus hand again.

Santa Jand: Ho ho ho ho...don't know why I did that...and you were saying?

Santa Akpos: No be your fault, because una get chimney wey you fit climb down deliver your own abi? For my side, Mama Nkechi for don use am dey fry Christmas meat. Chimney...Hahahaha. U neva hala!

(Beep Beep)

Santa Jand: But you still haven't explained the beep sound.

Santa Akpos: Kai, where I go start from...Last year, I suffer no be small.
you no sey Claus talk sey make we fly with the Reindeers for sky with the carriage of presents.
Na so I park for Warri junction to buy Poly bag wey I go use pack the presents...

Santa Jand: Uhh...Oh you mean a Polythene bag? Ho ho ho ho.

Santa Akpos: Mtcheew this one neva no anything...So as I buy am finish, na so I see sey dey don move the Reindeers. 4 of them fiam!

(Beep beep)

Na so I gather courage con dey waka. As I reach junction, I con see some boys dey show for my direction. I con do Mission Impossible jump enter bike, as I no sey the gifts plenty die.
As I reach busstop, na so bikeman ask for money. I con give am blowm-blowm for him pikin. If you see the wicked eye im use look me. A whole Santa Akpos!

Santa Jand: Um...Ok can you like skip to the end mate cuz we seriously like outta time dude. Ho ho ho ho(deep baritone laugh).

Santa Akpos: E no go better for person wey do you like dis o.

So as I give am the blom-blom, na so e tear me slap. As e tear me slap so, na so I see the 3 wise men.

Kai! dem no send sey I be Father Christmas.

(beep Beep)

Santa Jand: Wow! I'll never have anything to do with such a cruel place mehn! Ho ho ho ho.

Santa Akpos: Hahahahahahahahaha!(rolls on the floor and laughs his ass out)

Santa Jand: Hey homes, what's so funny? Ho ho ho ho

Santa Akpos: This one don crase o. You never shek your mail ni? Santa Claus talk sey this year na me dey go your side, but you dey go Naija.

Na so I con buy this tracker (beep beep) for you because e no sure sey you go return. So if them kidnap you, we go fit locate the place, con negotiate with them.

Santa Jand: WHAT!!!!!???? I'm doomed (Faints)

Santa Akpos: HO HO HO HO! I no know sey this laughter dey sweet o.

     

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Patrick Part 3

Before you read this, see > Patrick Part 1  |   Patrick Part 2

I was already weary from the race and I didn't even get to the finish line. arrgh...I can't even remember why I was running.

The sun was seriously smiling at my own expense and I could only be more grateful for the little breeze that was blowing.

Started feeling hungry too. Yes! now I remember, I missed my bestest buddy Patrick.

Something started moving on my face...then I paused...Oh no! This isn't happening. I'd seen this happen in movies before.

Slowly I started lifting my left hand. Have to be careful now so I don't scare it off. Then it stopped...and moved again!
Patience can go to blazes for all I care.
TWAI! I slammed my left hand on the left cheek. All I could see was plenty sweat on my palm...wait...that can't be all. I suspect that idiot smiling in the toothpaste advert I saw in the TV shop I just passed.

It's either him or I'm going crazy...If you say I am going gaga, then it takes one to know one. All these foolish people...mtcheew.

I headed back towards the long road again, giggling as I recalled the events of the day as those idiots tried to rob me of my medal. Stupid man in white...mtcheew! 

Lets hope we don't meet men in black. Hahahaha! I laughed at my joke. That was classic men.

All I need right now is Patrick and I would be fine but in the absence of that, I'll never ever...

"FREEZE!"
 a voice bellowed from behind me. More of that thing started moving again on my face.I'll attend to that later.

I turned my back in fear on the spot wondering who this Oracle of Ice was, that had the power to freeze me.

What?!!!

I burst out in laughter at the sight. First it was a man in white robe chasing me, now its a mumu in black outfit as I earlier joked. Hahahaha!
I guess the next after this would be an idiot in Orange Agbada trying to catch me.

FREEZE! he screamed again holding a gun and then the man in white showed up behind him pointing in my direction. Fear gripped me at this point. He was actually summoning the god of Ice. Then I screamed back, "UNFREEZE!" hoping that it would defrost the oncoming ice.

"You have to be patient with him", I heard the man on white tell the man on black.

"Your silly tricks won't get me" I thought to myself. Then, flashbacks of Patrick started flooding my memory.
The happy and the sad times we had, the long but interesting arguments, the moments we shared, ...would it all come to an end this way.
No wonder Segun Arinze didn't feature in Lord of the Rings...Why come this far to now give up?

The two men started coming towards me slowly in a tiptoeing manner, then I copied their movement in the backward direction smiling joyfully. Then the mumu in black messed up...he quickened his pace...and off I ran!

Two hot chases in one day...this a'int fun anymore.
I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I could literally feel the back of my legs touching my nape.
Then I got the shocker of my life-
                                                    we should be careful what we wish for in life-

                               Cuz right ahead of me I spotted a man in Orange outfit!- looking in my direction.
At the same time the men chasing me behind started screaming "Yellow Fever, Yellow Fever" and he started moving towards me.
BANG! The sound of a gun went off. I was numb...My eyes started fading slowly and SLAM! On the ground...
Everything went black.

        

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Patrick Part 2

If you missed Part 1, read it here first: Patrick Pt 1

"Ahhh! What a relief!" The nurse said I was free to go as the doctor signed my discharge papers. I wonder how I got here in the first place. "Have a great day Mr. Okafor", she said as I walked away.
I smiled in a silly manner at my stupidity when she recounted  all the stunts I pulled while I was there. She even mentioned that one Patrick was always disturbing me every time but thank goodness I wasn't with him again.

As I took a walk down the busy road and I got to the bus-stop, I started feeling strange.
I wondered how this LASTMA guy could be so dumb while conducting traffic. Couldn't he see the big boat coming. Now it has to go through the Atlantic Ocean. "Mtcheew", I hissed as I thought to myself.
 "WAIT A MINUTE! Where's Patrick!!??", I yelled. I immediately ran across the busy road and suddenly started hearing car-screeching noises behind me as I reached the other side. I looked back and saw smoke rising from the accident that just occured after I crossed without looking and they blamed the bomb blast on me. Why?
I smiled at the infuriated driver and said "Na 'MEND' do am o, no be me", laughing as he blabbed all the way.

I was having fun with my silly self.
By the way, I forgot to tell you that the nurse that discharged me was in a showglass I saw in a fashion shop  when I sneaked out of the hospital. She looked elegant and sassy in a stiff pose as she stared at me.

"Mr Okafor, wait!!!", I heard a loud scream behind me as I saw a man dressed in white overall with a stethoscope and the real-life version of the nurse running towards my direction.
Wow! I never even knew the Lagos Half Marathon would start this early, so I took to my heels.
"Na me go carry first!", I screamed back at them as I ran with speed and alacrity with one shoe on my left leg and a slipper on the right.
"Please Stoooppp, you haven't been discharged!", they kept yelling.
Hahahahahaha, they want to deceive me from my medal. I'm smarter than that. Fashola won the marathon last time and I'm not going to let that happen again.

I ran as fast as I could, while my other opponents kept yelling behind me.

Then all of a sudden, I remembered Patrick. How could I do this to him? We quarelled a lot but I shouldn't have left him without telling him about the race. Then I stopped...Looked at the sky...looked down and turned back.
My opponents also stopped abruptly as if they were amazed at something I couldn't figure out.
Patrick was all that was on my mind and I was determined to go back to get him.

"Mr Okafor please calm down, we are here to help you", both of them said.
I could only care less so I started running towards them. They ran for their lives! screaming "WERE!" which I got to know means madman in English.
Hahahaha...this global warming issue has to be tackled I thought, as I ran with speed to fetch my one and only friend, Patrick.

<< Back to previous post (Patrick Part 1)

    

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Patrick

This nite, it seemed all the mosquitoes seemed to want to say something to me but I just remained insensitive to their annoying buzzing sound. I was now wide awake as I looked at the snoring fellow beside me in the tiny room we slept. Patrick was just a lazy pant as far as I was concerned but he seemed to have a way with people especially when it concerned matters of politics. His views were stupidly absurd.

A week ago, the idiot organized a garageful of touts and  convinced them that Obama needed to be removed from office. They chanted solidarity as I also foolishly joined them, doing the famous Gandhi walk on Lagos-Ibadan expressway and chanting "No more Obama!". Now it has landed us where we are.
Now come down to football, he was just extreme and lousy. The other day he bought this jersey with 'C.Ronado Lomo' written on it and argued that Man.U was considering using it next season.Anyway his fellow idiots countered him saying it was actually Man City and that Man City was the city where the all Man.United players came from.

Had I known I should have stood my ground the previous nite as we argued all through cuz I was 100% sure it was Beyonce that proposed to Aki and Pawpaw and not Genevieve. I'm sure you didn't even know that. I stared at Patrick in the face and shouted him down saying "Beyonceee!!!".

I stared at Patrick again wondering what to do with him. I just felt like giving him a dirty heavy slap on the chest for winning the argument last nite. Both of us had formed a bond since the past week and though my bed was small, I was glad to share it with him.

Call me partial but I feel I would pick IBB as my running mate for Councillorship next month. That Obama guy is not up to the task.
What am I even saying?
The name written beside my bed reads Clifford Okafor but I know my name at least, the name's James...James Bond.

I was still wondering why they strapped me to this bed and why the psychiatric nurse refused my kind food offer when I pointed my Dunlop slippers towards her and asked with a serious look, "You go chop?".
I also wonder why she kept reminding me that Patrick was my pillow.
I demand a rent and I seriously can't put up with this guy any longer. He gets to change shirts everyday and always customized ones with 'Ajangbadi Psychiatric Home' written on it. That's just unfair!
All I know is this civil war has to end quick and I wonder why that mosquito keeps staring at me.

@ moi frequency...Watch out for Patrick Part 2 (Hospital Break)
Have a great day...Enjoy!

    

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Proverbs Parody

A collection of seriously funny proverbs...

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Crowded elevator smells different to midgets

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Martin Mull

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
- Author Unknown

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
- Robert Benchley

If they could figure out a way to channel my anger, they could solve the energy crisis.
- Woody Allen

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
- Gilbert Chesterton

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. (I love this one)

Now check out this Yoruba proverb:
Bí abá so òkò sójà ará ilé eni ní bá;

* Translation: He who throws a stone in the market will hit his relative
(Trust me, if he aims really well, it won't)

Wishing you a nyce day! @ moi frequency *wink*

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Stumble-upons

Got this hilarious mail from a friend...On a Tuesday morning...sure laughed all the way thru and thought you should do the same too.

So Enjoy as u read...@ moi frequency *wink*

 Okay I removed some parts that didn't fit into the Humor section...

 

Liar:   A man is dying of Cancer.  His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people  u're dying of AIDS?" & nbsp;Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch   ur mom!"  Three Feelings:   What's the difference between stress, tension and  panic?  Stress is when wife is pregnant.  Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.  Panic is when both are pregnant.  Chinese Adam & Eve:  If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise  because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the  SNAKE    Laugh small: 1)     Three  pastors were discussing, one said his problem is stealing, he can not stop stealing from the church’s money and if his church members  find out, it would be disastrous. The second pastor said his  own problem is adultery, he had slept with almost every woman in the church both married and unmarried. His church members must not find out. The third pastor said his problem  is that he can not do without gossiping, and everybody must  know what he just found out. He then excused himself and  immediately the other two pastors fainted. 2) To surprise her husband an executive’s wife decided o stop by his office. On  entering the office, she saw the secretary on her husband’s laps. In order to defend himself the husband  said  “budget cut or no budget cut, management must do  something. I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat  3)  Dad asked his son: whenever I beat you how do you stop your anger?  Son replies: I start cleaning the toilet.  Dad asked: How does that help you?  Son: I clean it with your tooth brush. 4)  Three guys were gisting at a beer parlour. The first guy said when my wife was pregnant she was reading a book; a  tale of two cities and she gave birth to twins. The second said his wife was reading the three musketeers and she gave  birth to triplets. The third guy dropped his beer bottle and started running home. Concerned, his friends gave chase. When they got to his house they saw  him burning a book and they asked why. He said his wife was reading Ali Baba and the forty thieves and she is  pregnant……not in this house ……it n not happen!    5)        One day, a man was sitting in his office on the 19th  floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted, “John, your daughter, Anna just died in accident right opposite this building”. The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what  to do, he  jumped out through his office window. While coming down,  when he was near the 14th floor, he remembered he does not  have a daughter named Anna. When he was near the 7th floor,  he remembered he was not married yet. When he was about to  hit the ground, he remembered he was not John!   This is what stress does. Take things easy and relax as much as you can. It is not all about work! Work! Work! Work.    Have a great day!

 

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No-Nonsense! - Independence Edition

Twas such a quiet afternoon in Molete.Business wasn't so favourable for Madam Bisi on this particular day but she still had her customers, say like 3 stopped-by every hour. Nite time was the hit when the Okada elites and Danfo moguls came to have a fill of her catfish peppersoup they called 'Point and Kill'.
Point and Kill was everyone's favourite but it had caused Bassey (her waiter boy) a broken tooth the previous week. He had supposedly served it to the wrong person while the original owner had waited almost an hour. As if that wasn't enough, Bassey had brought 4 cold pure water sachets and dropped it in Suberu's front which was actually ordered by a different table.

Suberu had reportedly gotten furious and given Bassey a backhand slap on the chest which had ensued in a fight leading to Bassey's missing tooth. Thanks to Baba No-Nonsense that came to his rescue but by his arrival Suberu had fled.

Well, the afternoon was calm and one of her customers was leaving after downing Madam's sweet rice and pomo with 2 sachets of purewater. You would think he just ate at Chicken Republic as he bounced off with a toothpick in his mouth.

Shortly after, Madam Bisi had rushed off to buy catfish for the nite at the market while her new attendant took over the shop's affairs.

The afternoon was about to get interesting...

As she left, one okada had parked in front of her shop. The young man had gotten down and supposedly ordered for food. "Wosss...gimme rice, wan meat and wan beans...put 2 pure water", he had told the attendant.

2 minutes later, Madam Bisi entered, she had 4gotten her purse...her fat physique had blocked the little sun rays illuminating the canteen. And suddenly she shouted, "ehn ehn...na you abi!!! You get mind come chop for hia!"

She swayed gallantly as she moved towards him, backward forces counteracting her forward motion towards him. The stunned man stood with a chunk of Pomo in his mouth wondering who she was referring to even though he was the only one eating there at the moment. As he tried to mutter some words, she had by this time raised her right hand and "TWAI!" The slap landed on his left cheek while the pomo made its way in the opposite direction. This was Newton's 3rd law in practical.

"Madam....no be..." he stammered, TWAI!!! ...Yet another slap from the 'fat one' as he tried to compose some letters out of his mouth. By this time a small gathering had formed outside her shop as she dragged him out.

"NO-NONSENSE!!!, I don catch am", Madam Bisi bellowed at the top of her voice. "Madam... no be..." TWAI!! TWAI!!! 2 rounds of slaps followed again as he tried to justify his innocence. Madam Bisi clutched tightly to his worn-out shirt as she screamed and returned gifts of slaps each time he tried to speak. "NO-NONSENSE!!!", she bellowed again as she called out to the owner of the name.

Suddenly a short man in a dirty white flowing Agbada ran out from one of the shops. "Baba No-Nonsense don show!", one boy had screamed from his spare-parts shop.

Then the crowd hailed in unison, "NO NONSENSE!!". He was celebrated and they jeered him on as he approached with velocity.

The wind blew his large flowing attire as he ran towards the scene with arms spread out. It was only a little more momentum he needed and he would have taken-off like a plane.
It was almost like the scene in Mission Impossible 4 (a Togolese version with 2 midgets as the hit stars).

In sharp speed, Baba No-Nonsense had lifted the young man off the ground...if only the young man knew, he would have fasted on this fateful day.

"Na you comot my Madam boy teeth abi? I go arrange you today!", Baba No-nonsense had said, granting him privilege of knowing what he did.

Baba No-Nonsense wasn't really a fan of slaps, so he engaged the punch therapy. The thin young man had now regained his balance and stood face-to-face with Baba No-Nonsense, hands blocking his precious face. Taking a defensive stance, he tried stammering out the few words he could but the blows seemed to assert themselves more than his stammer. No-Nonsense as his name implied didnt take any nonsense. Himself and Madam Bisi could make super-heroes anyday. They were the Dynamic Duo.

Then suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd shouting, "Ha! Monsuru...happen?!!!", he asked as he looked down at the perplexed creature on the ground. He looked exactly like the person who was being dealt with.

Alas! It was Suberu!

By now the battered young man in self defense had screamed out, stammering seriously with tears in his eyes..."na na na...ma...MY TWIN BROTHER...!"

Then it dawned on the dynamic duo...

They had just beaten up Suberu's twin brother, Monsuru.

In a flash, Baba No-Nonsense flew up in shock, his white make-shift parachute now covered in dust and chanting something the only the crowd seemed to understand, started running towards Suberu with crazy speed. Suberu took off...The crowd followed...Madam Bisi wasn't left out...Market women left their goods and joined the race...Suberu was done for!

The rest is history...

     

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